George Kittle rescues Pinko Commie Bastards in tight finish
Final: Pinko Commie Bastards 74.64, **Asterisk** 73.48
My patience for self-inflicted losses is zero, and Coach Billy Waters served up a classic blunder. Pinko Commie Bastards survived 74.64 to 73.48 because George Kittle showed up huge, piling up 17.48 points against a 6.85 projection to lead the position. Garrett Wilson helped the cause with 13.78 points, well over his 8.24 projection, while Christian McCaffrey gave a steady 11.64 points.
Coach Billy Waters can only stare at the bench. He started Quinshon Judkins (3.56 points) over Bhayshul Tuten (10.3 points), throwing away 6.74 points in a matchup decided by 1.16. Bijan Robinson erupted for 25.72 points and Joe Burrow added 19.26, but the San Francisco 49ers defense cratered to -2 points. To be fair, Justin Jefferson managing only 1.78 points was bad luck since he was dealing with a ankle injury in this game.
I watched Coach Erran Yearty escape his own disaster, benching Tyler Shough (19.64 points) for Josh Allen, who posted an ugly 7.2. Pinko Commie Bastards have won two straight to sit at 2-1, cutting their all-time series deficit against **Asterisk** to 2-3. **Asterisk** drops to 2-1 after the loss. Next week, Pinko Commie Bastards face the 0-3 Jerrayatricians, while **Asterisk** plays 2-1 Spacelords.
Brock Bowers fuels Zombie Werewolves upset over Alcoholinks
Final: Zombie Werewolves 73, Alcoholinks 64.88
I love seeing a projected favorite get completely derailed by bad lineup calls. Zombie Werewolves walked away with a 73 to 64.88 victory behind Brock Bowers, who went wild for 15.24 points against a 6.97 projection. Jared Goff chipped in 15.12 points and Jeremiyah Love brought 12.26, giving Coach Patrick Jolle plenty of firepower.
Coach Nick Claeboe stepped on every landmine possible. His defense, the Cincinnati Bengals, delivered -3 points against an 8.52 projection, while Los Angeles Rams sat on his bench with 5 points. Jaxon Smith-Njigba was a monster with 21.1 points against an 11.61 projection, and Tyler Loop kicked for 11, but Jalen Hurts stumbled to 6.26 points as Alcoholinks collapsed.
My tracking of this rivalry, spanning the CBS era and Sleeper era combined, now shows the series dead even at 13-13. Zombie Werewolves have won two straight to reach 2-1, while Alcoholinks fall to 1-2 with two straight losses, surrendering their East Side division lead. Next week, Zombie Werewolves meet 3-0 Keep Pounding, and Alcoholinks take on the 2-1 Brainers.
Derrick Henry powers Keep Pounding past Big Tex's Pillow Biters
Final: Keep Pounding 75.4, Big Tex's Pillow Biters 50.7
I knew revenge was on the menu, and Keep Pounding made sure it was served cold. Coach Hemlok rode Derrick Henry, who hammered out 16.86 points against a 12.2 projection, to a comfortable 75.4 to 50.7 win. Trevor Lawrence delivered 16.84 points and Christian Watson caught 11.64 to keep the machine rolling.
Big Tex's Pillow Biters got cooked everywhere except quarterback. Brock Purdy exploded for 28.4 points against a 14.69 projection, but the rest of the lineup was pure gridiron gloop. Jonathan Taylor flopped with 4.38 points on a 12.23 projection, Dalton Kincaid mustered 0.22 points, and starting the Philadelphia Eagles defense (-0.5 points) over the Denver Broncos (9.5 points) threw away 10 points.
Coach Hemlok left Jordan Addison and his 11.3 points on the pine, but starting Tetairoa McMillan (1.18 points) did not matter. Keep Pounding remains perfect at 3-0 atop the West Side with three straight wins, snapping a three-game losing skid to Big Tex's Pillow Biters to move the all-time series to 18-27. Next week, Keep Pounding draws 2-1 Zombie Werewolves, while 1-2 Big Tex's Pillow Biters face 0-3 Diamond Formation.
Jahmyr Gibbs demolishes The Jerrayatricians in rout
Final: The Brainers 86.76, The Jerrayatricians 57.72
I watched The Brainers put on an absolute clinic to seize the division crown. Behind an unstoppable Jahmyr Gibbs, who racked up 27.06 points against a 13.62 projection to lead all league running backs, Coach Chuck Rittenhouse cruised to an 86.76 to 57.72 win and took over first place in the East Side.
Bo Nix added 21.1 points against a 10.03 projection, while Kenneth Walker posted 15.42 points. On the other sideline, The Jerrayatricians had no answers. De'Von Achane was a total floor-crasher with 0.78 points against an 8.4 projection, and David Montgomery scraped together just 2.32 points, completely wasting 11.1 points from Tee Higgins.
Coach Todd Marquis could do nothing but absorb the beating, taking his third straight loss to sit winless at 0-3. The Brainers improved to 2-1 and now lead this all-time series 5-4, having won three straight over their rival. Next week, The Brainers fight 1-2 Alcoholinks, while The Jerrayatricians try to stop the bleeding against the 2-1 Pinko Commie Bastards.
Harold Fannin leads Spacelords over Diamond Formation
Final: Spacelords 82.64, Diamond Formation 44.3
My condolences to anyone who had to watch this atrocity, because Diamond Formation completely cratered. Spacelords rolled to an 82.64 to 44.3 victory led by Harold Fannin, who tore up expectations with 16.24 points against a 5.12 projection. Lamar Jackson brought 16.02 points, and the Chicago Bears defense led all league units with 15.5 points.
Coach mackmane2420 authored the comedy of the week by starting Drake Maye, who scored -4.1 points against a 10.09 projection. Leaving Kirk Cousins and his 17.08 points on the bench cost 21.18 points. Chuba Hubbard offered 5.2 points, Chase Brown added 3.36, and Daniel Carlson chipped in a single point, rendering Ja'Marr Chase and his 12.22 points entirely irrelevant.
Spacelords shook off Saquon Barkley managing just 3.7 points to secure their second straight win over Diamond Formation, taking a 2-1 lead all-time. Coach Brad Householder sits at 2-1, one game behind the West Side lead, while Diamond Formation remains winless at 0-3 with three straight losses. Next week, Spacelords face 2-1 **Asterisk**, and Diamond Formation battles 1-2 Big Tex's Pillow Biters.
Week 3 brought the pain and the brain rot, but Week 4 is already looming to expose the pretenders. Set your lineups with some sense, and I will see you next Tuesday.
Weekly Awards
- Best Manager 🔥 The Brainers set a lineup worth 99% of its perfect possible lineup (87.44).
- Worst Manager 🤔 Diamond Formation set the worst lineup, only 56% of its perfect possible lineup (79.04).
- Biggest Blowout 😂 Spacelords beat Diamond Formation by 86.5%, 82.64 to 44.3.
- Narrow Victory 😱 Pinko Commie Bastards edged **Asterisk** by 1.6%, 74.64 to 73.48.
- Highest Scorer 😎 The Brainers, 86.76 points.
- Lowest Scorer 💩 Diamond Formation, 44.3 points.
- Overachiever 🤓 Spacelords beat its projection (64.19) by 29% with 82.64.
- Below Expectation 💀 Diamond Formation missed its projection (64.29) by 31% with 44.3.
- QB of the Week ⭐ Big Tex's Pillow Biters started the best QB: Brock Purdy (SF), 28.4.
- RB of the Week ⭐ The Brainers started the best RB: Jahmyr Gibbs (DET), 27.06.
- WR of the Week ⭐ Alcoholinks started the best WR: Jaxon Smith-Njigba (SEA), 21.1.
- TE of the Week ⭐ Pinko Commie Bastards started the best TE: George Kittle (SF), 17.48.
- K of the Week ⭐ Spacelords started the best K: Chris Boswell (PIT), 12.
- DEF of the Week ⭐ Spacelords started the best DEF: Chicago Bears (CHI), 15.5.
- QB Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Pinko Commie Bastards had the best bench QB: Tyler Shough (NO), 19.64.
- RB Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 **Asterisk** had the best bench RB: Bhayshul Tuten (JAX), 10.3.
- WR Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Keep Pounding had the best bench WR: Jordan Addison (MIN), 11.3.
- TE Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Spacelords had the best bench TE: Juwan Johnson (NO), 14.82.
- K Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Pinko Commie Bastards had the best bench K: Spencer Shrader (IND), 15.
- DEF Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Spacelords had the best bench DEF: Los Angeles Chargers (LAC), 12.
Standings after Week 3
East Side
| Team | W-L | PF | GB |
|---|---|---|---|
| The Brainers | 2-1 | 255.96 | - |
| Pinko Commie Bastards | 2-1 | 238.70 | - |
| Zombie Werewolves | 2-1 | 169.52 | - |
| Alcoholinks | 1-2 | 264.28 | 1 |
| The Jerrayatricians | 0-3 | 153.26 | 2 |
West Side
| Team | W-L | PF | GB |
|---|---|---|---|
| Keep Pounding | 3-0 | 270.64 | - |
| Spacelords | 2-1 | 215.44 | 1 |
| **Asterisk** | 2-1 | 193.88 | 1 |
| Big Tex's Pillow Biters | 1-2 | 182.16 | 2 |
| Diamond Formation | 0-3 | 154.84 | 3 |
Week 4 Matchups
- Pinko Commie Bastards (2-1) vs. The Jerrayatricians (0-3) (division game)
- Alcoholinks (1-2) vs. The Brainers (2-1) (division game)
- Keep Pounding (3-0) vs. Zombie Werewolves (2-1)
- **Asterisk** (2-1) vs. Spacelords (2-1) (division game)
- Big Tex's Pillow Biters (1-2) vs. Diamond Formation (0-3) (division game)
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