Jonathan Taylor steadies Big Tex's Pillow Biters in an ugly slugfest
Final: Big Tex's Pillow Biters 54.54, The Brainers 38.62
I will never understand how a team survives scoring 54.54 points, but Coach Billy Hayes watched his squad take down The Brainers anyway. Jonathan Taylor led the way with 10.9 points, hitting right around his 11.08 projection, while Will Reichard brought home 10 points and George Pickens chipped in 9.28. Marvin Harrison also beat his 1.94 projection by posting 6.44 points. Coach Hayes won his fourth straight game to move to 5-2 despite leaving 15.58 points on his bench, highlighted by Matthew Stafford scoring 15.78 over Brock Purdy's 6.16.
Coach Chuck Rittenhouse fielded a complete horror show, as Jahmyr Gibbs turned into the biggest bust of the matchup by netting just 6.92 points against a massive 15.93 expectation. The Brainers somehow left 44.18 points on the pine, including Bo Nix scoring 21.1 and Bucky Irving putting up 19.3. Starting Kenneth Walker (2.88 points) over Irving alone burned 16.42 points.
This outcome gives Big Tex's Pillow Biters a 20-16-1 edge in an all-time series dating back to 2002. Now sitting at 4-3 after one loss, The Brainers face Spacelords (3-4) next week, while Coach Hayes takes his 5-2 group into a clash against Pinko Commie Bastards (4-3).
Jaxon Smith-Njigba fuels Alcoholinks past Keep Pounding
Final: Alcoholinks 65.74, Keep Pounding 60.62
I love when the vibes stumble into the math, and Coach Nick Claeboe rode that wave to a 65.74 to 60.62 victory. Jaxon Smith-Njigba paced the offense with 16.02 points, besting his 13.38 projection, while Javonte Williams provided 14.9 points over an 11.82 projection. D'Andre Swift also contributed 11.4 points. It was far from flawless in my eyes, as Bryce Young completely imploded with minus-1.38 points against an 11.57 projection, but Alcoholinks still secured their third straight win to reach 4-3.
Keep Pounding dropped their second straight game to fall to 5-2, undone by a catastrophic benching. Derrick Henry served as the premier bust by generating just 2.26 points against a 10.88 projection, and Coach Hemlok left Ashton Jeanty's 9.94 points on the pine, costing the team 7.68 points in a 5.12-point defeat. Dak Prescott was heroic with 21.66 points against an 8.61 projection, but it was not enough.
Alcoholinks now lead this head-to-head series 13-10 all-time, claiming their second straight meeting against Keep Pounding. Next week, Coach Claeboe meets Diamond Formation (3-4), while Coach Hemlok attempts to rebound against The Jerrayatricians (0-7).
Drake Maye and Trey McBride drive Diamond Formation to victory
Final: Diamond Formation 60.78, Pinko Commie Bastards 51.38
My admiration goes to efficient roster management, and Coach mackmane2420 earned it by guiding Diamond Formation to a 60.78 to 51.38 win. Drake Maye dismantled expectations by dropping 21.06 points against a 12.12 projection, while Trey McBride topped all tight ends with 14.74 points over an 8.25 expectation. Emanuel Wilson added 12.9 points, allowing Diamond Formation to overcome the New York Jets defense losing 1.5 points.
Coach Erran Yearty will look back at this one with deep regret after leaving 14.56 points on the bench. The Carolina Panthers defense was an ADP fraud this week, plunging to minus-5.5 points against an 8.2 projection, while the Pittsburgh Steelers defense sat on the bench with 8 points. That 13.5-point swing wiped out Omar Cooper's 13.8-point gem and handed Pinko Commie Bastards their third loss of the year.
Diamond Formation has now won three straight to sit at 3-4, pulling even at 1-1 in the all-time series against Pinko Commie Bastards. Next week, Diamond Formation squares off against Alcoholinks (4-3), while Pinko Commie Bastards take on Big Tex's Pillow Biters (5-2).
Zay Flowers helps Spacelords pull away from Zombie Werewolves
Final: Spacelords 56.74, Zombie Werewolves 44.94
I watched Spacelords snap a three-game losing streak against Zombie Werewolves with a gritty 56.74 to 44.94 victory. Zay Flowers dominated for Coach Brad Householder, smashing his 9.34 projection with 14.98 points, while Rhamondre Stevenson exceeded his 6.24 projection by posting 11.8. Spacelords weathered a brutal dud from Nico Collins, who scored 0.64 against a 9.3 expectation, leaving 15.37 points on the bench along the way.
Coach Patrick Jolle committed the week's most glaring lineup gaffe, benching Tony Pollard and his 26.9 points in favor of Aaron Jones, who scraped together 1.24 points. That single decision cost Zombie Werewolves 25.66 points in a game decided by 11.8. Kicker Trey Smack also bottomed out with minus-2 points, sinking the team to 44.94 total points.
Zombie Werewolves still lead the all-time series 7-2-1, but Spacelords secured revenge and improved to 3-4, snapping Patrick Jolle's three-game series win streak. Next week, Spacelords take on The Brainers (4-3), while Zombie Werewolves (3-4, two straight losses) meet **Asterisk** (4-3).
Joe Burrow lights up the scoreboard as Asterisk outguns The Jerrayatricians
Final: **Asterisk** 93.58, The Jerrayatricians 76.12
I witnessed pure fireworks from Coach Billy Waters, who guided **Asterisk** to the week's highest score with 93.58 points. Joe Burrow put on a masterclass with 26.42 points over a 12.67 projection, while Quinshon Judkins dominated with 16.76 points against a 6.39 projection. CeeDee Lamb added 16.26 points, completely erasing an underwhelming 7.08 points from Bijan Robinson and 16.98 points left on the bench.
In my opinion, this was the ultimate hard luck loss for Coach Todd Marquis. The Jerrayatricians scored 76.12 points, the second-highest mark across the entire league, but still lost. Patrick Mahomes was a total lineup saboteur with 0.96 points against a 9.13 projection, wasting Caleb Williams' 15.48 points on the bench along with big weeks from Tee Higgins (15.62) and Brandon Aubrey (13).
**Asterisk** moved to 4-3 and remains undefeated against The Jerrayatricians, extending the all-time series lead to 5-0. Coach Todd Marquis remains winless at 0-7 heading into a matchup with Keep Pounding (5-2), while **Asterisk** takes on Zombie Werewolves (3-4).
Week 7 proved that starting the wrong names will cost you your season, so fix your rosters before Week 8 makes you pay.
Weekly Awards
- Best Manager 🔥 Diamond Formation set a lineup worth 96% of its perfect possible lineup (63.28).
- Worst Manager 🤔 The Brainers set the worst lineup, only 47% of its perfect possible lineup (82.8).
- Biggest Blowout 😂 Big Tex's Pillow Biters beat The Brainers by 41.2%, 54.54 to 38.62.
- Narrow Victory 😱 Alcoholinks edged Keep Pounding by 8.4%, 65.74 to 60.62.
- Highest Scorer 😎 **Asterisk**, 93.58 points.
- Lowest Scorer 💩 The Brainers, 38.62 points.
- Overachiever 🤓 **Asterisk** beat its projection (74.22) by 26% with 93.58.
- Below Expectation 💀 The Brainers missed its projection (76.86) by 50% with 38.62.
- QB of the Week ⭐ **Asterisk** started the best QB: Joe Burrow (CIN), 26.42.
- RB of the Week ⭐ **Asterisk** started the best RB: Quinshon Judkins (CLE), 16.76.
- WR of the Week ⭐ **Asterisk** started the best WR: CeeDee Lamb (DAL), 16.26.
- TE of the Week ⭐ Diamond Formation started the best TE: Trey McBride (ARI), 14.74.
- K of the Week ⭐ The Jerrayatricians started the best K: Brandon Aubrey (DAL), 13.
- DEF of the Week ⭐ **Asterisk** started the best DEF: Minnesota Vikings (MIN), 10.5.
- QB Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 The Brainers had the best bench QB: Bo Nix (DEN), 21.1.
- RB Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Zombie Werewolves had the best bench RB: Tony Pollard (TEN), 26.9.
- WR Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 **Asterisk** had the best bench WR: Jameson Williams (DET), 16.84.
- TE Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 The Brainers had the best bench TE: Tucker Kraft (GB), 9.22.
- K Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Spacelords had the best bench K: Cairo Santos (CHI), 12.
- DEF Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Alcoholinks had the best bench DEF: Cincinnati Bengals (CIN), 10.5.
Standings after Week 7
East Side
| Team | W-L | PF | GB |
|---|---|---|---|
| The Brainers | 4-3 | 551.18 | - |
| Alcoholinks | 4-3 | 536.88 | - |
| Pinko Commie Bastards | 4-3 | 518.10 | - |
| Zombie Werewolves | 3-4 | 429.18 | 1 |
| The Jerrayatricians | 0-7 | 372.24 | 4 |
West Side
| Team | W-L | PF | GB |
|---|---|---|---|
| Keep Pounding | 5-2 | 539.38 | - |
| Big Tex's Pillow Biters | 5-2 | 448.92 | - |
| **Asterisk** | 4-3 | 521.64 | 1 |
| Spacelords | 3-4 | 441.38 | 2 |
| Diamond Formation | 3-4 | 406.50 | 2 |
Week 8 Matchups
- Keep Pounding (5-2) vs. The Jerrayatricians (0-7)
- Alcoholinks (4-3) vs. Diamond Formation (3-4)
- Pinko Commie Bastards (4-3) vs. Big Tex's Pillow Biters (5-2)
- **Asterisk** (4-3) vs. Zombie Werewolves (3-4)
- The Brainers (4-3) vs. Spacelords (3-4)
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