Zay Flowers torches Egbuka Matata in tight duel
Final: KeonCounty 138.56, Egbuka Matata 128.22
My gut tells me Coach TheBredeBunch will be losing sleep over this one. KeonCounty took down a 138.56 to 128.22 win behind a scorching 27.7 points from Zay Flowers, who sailed well over his 18.75 projection. CeeDee Lamb also punished the secondary with 24.4 points against a 17.19 projection, while D'Andre Swift posted 19 points against his 15.77 mark. Coach callen828 survived a brutal showing from Kenneth Walker, who finished well under his 19.38 expectation with just 9.7 points.
The agony for Egbuka Matata comes entirely down to coaching malpractice. Coach TheBredeBunch started Rome Odunze and his 10.9 points over KC Concepcion, who exploded for 23.2 points on the pine, burning 12.3 points in a game decided by just 10.34. Chuba Hubbard was a certified lineup saboteur, crawling to 10 points against a 16.54 projection. Not even a massive 21.5 points from Javonte Williams or 20.1 from Josh Jacobs could save this flesh-roster from itself.
I will remind everyone that this gives KeonCounty three straight wins to sit at 5-2, moving their all-time series to 2-3 against Egbuka Matata, who dropped to 4-3 with the loss. Up next, KeonCounty clashes with the 5-2 Coweta Crackas, while Egbuka Matata tries to rebound against the 2-5 Big Tex's Pillow Biters.
Jameson Williams lifts Alcoholniks over Pounders
Final: Alcoholniks 129.18, Puerto Rican Pounders 112.72
I love it when pure chaos overrides pregame logic, and Alcoholniks proved it with a 129.18 to 112.72 upset. Coach Nick Claeboe rode huge outbursts from Jameson Williams, who produced 26.1 points against a 12.53 projection, and Dak Prescott, who generated 26.28 points over his 16.65 expectation. Rhamondre Stevenson added 22.5 points, easily besting his 11.1 projection, while the Houston Texans defense took a bust nap with only 3 points.
Puerto Rican Pounders completely fell apart because of terrible start-sit decisions. Coach eddospagheddo watched Isaiah Likely drop a pathetic 3.2 points compared to a 12.87 projection, but the real sin was rolling out Josh Downs for 3.8 points while Tre Tucker hung 21.3 points on the bench. Leaving 24.4 points on the wood is total brain rot when you lose by 16.46.
Alcoholniks now sit at 3-4 after snapping into the win column, stretching their series record to 2-0 all-time against the Pounders. Puerto Rican Pounders drop to 4-3, losing valuable ground in the North Side race. Next week, Coach Nick Claeboe gets the 1-6 2nd Hand Smoke, while the Pounders take on 2-5 Keep Pounding.
Quinshon Judkins propels Crackas to rout
Final: Coweta Crackas 128.98, Keep Pounding 99.72
I saw no mercy in this matchup as Coweta Crackas blew past Keep Pounding 128.98 to 99.72. The catalyst was Quinshon Judkins, who smashed his 11.18 projection with 23.4 points in the flex. Malik Nabers chipped in 18.1 points against a 14.24 projection, and Devaughn Vele stepped up with 16.4 points, making up for Derrick Henry's 5.9-point dud against a 16.74 expectation.
Coach Hemlok had a miserable afternoon watching Bryce Young turn into a walking turnover with an atrocious 6.42 points against a 19.55 projection. Jaxon Smith-Njigba did everything humanly possible by stacking 31.3 points, well above his 24.3 projection, but Juwan Johnson's 1.7 points and Ryan Fitzgerald's 1 point sank the ship. To make things worse, Coach Hemlok left Alvin Kamara's 13.2 points on the bench.
This was the first meeting between these two squads, and Coweta Crackas made a statement to hold onto first place in the North Side at 5-2. Keep Pounding falls to 2-5 after the defeat. Coach bodilyfunction gets a massive test next against 5-2 KeonCounty, while Keep Pounding matches up with the 4-3 Puerto Rican Pounders.
Trey McBride anchors Shartnado in 71-point beatdown
Final: Shartnado 141.72, 2nd Hand Smoke 70.32
I witnessed a complete massacre as Shartnado routed 2nd Hand Smoke 141.72 to 70.32. The charge was led by Trey McBride, who went nuclear with 27.1 points against a 15.43 projection. Puka Nacua provided 21.8 points and Drake London brought 19.6 points, allowing Coach Erran Yearty to easily survive Nico Collins disappearing for 2.6 points against his 17.1 projection.
On the other sideline, 2nd Hand Smoke put on a coaching clinic on how to fail. Coach CallsignRacehorse left Braelon Allen's 19.4 points on the pine to start Mike Washington, who scraped together 2.7 points. Garrett Wilson bombed hard with 4.6 points against a 16.76 projection, and Kenyon Sadiq provided 1.6 points, leaving Christian McCaffrey's 22 points totally wasted as the team put up 40.3 unused bench points.
My tracking shows Shartnado has now won five straight games to sit at 5-2 atop the South Side, improving to 4-0 all-time against 2nd Hand Smoke. The Smoke slide to four straight losses at 1-6. Shartnado faces the 4-3 Prodigies next, while 2nd Hand Smoke tries to fix their disaster against the 3-4 Alcoholniks.
Joe Burrow guides The Prodigies to grind-it-out win
Final: The Prodigies 124.78, Big Tex's Pillow Biters 113.24
I will credit Coach NolesProdigy for walking out with a 124.78 to 113.24 victory thanks entirely to Joe Burrow. The gunslinger went off for 32.88 points against a 21.21 projection, pairing with Bucky Irving's 24 points to anchor the scoring. Amon-Ra St. Brown came through with 24.2 points, perfectly masking Jalen Coker flopping with 1.9 points against a 15.65 projection.
Coach Billy Hayes managed the closest thing to an optimal lineup this week with only 4.8 bench points left, but his roster simply lacked the firepower. Drake Maye notched 29.44 points and Tee Higgins delivered 26.8 points, but Sam LaPorta ruined the party by posting 2.8 points against a 13.49 projection. Xavier Worthy added to the misery with 4.1 points against his 11.11 projection.
The Prodigies improved to 4-3, taking a commanding 5-1 lead in their series history against Big Tex's Pillow Biters, who fell to three straight defeats at 2-5. In my opinion, both coaches face critical spots next week: The Prodigies draw the red-hot 5-2 Shartnado, and Big Tex's Pillow Biters battle 4-3 Egbuka Matata.
Fix your lineups and stop donating points to the bench, because I will not be any kinder to your mistakes in Week 8.
Weekly Awards
- Best Manager 🔥 Big Tex's Pillow Biters set a lineup worth 96% of its perfect possible lineup (118.04).
- Worst Manager 🤔 2nd Hand Smoke set the worst lineup, only 64% of its perfect possible lineup (110.62).
- Biggest Blowout 😂 Shartnado beat 2nd Hand Smoke by 101.5%, 141.72 to 70.32.
- Narrow Victory 😱 KeonCounty edged Egbuka Matata by 8.1%, 138.56 to 128.22.
- Highest Scorer 😎 Shartnado, 141.72 points.
- Lowest Scorer 💩 2nd Hand Smoke, 70.32 points.
- Overachiever 🤓 Alcoholniks beat its projection (113.36) by 14% with 129.18.
- Below Expectation 💀 2nd Hand Smoke missed its projection (109.5) by 36% with 70.32.
- QB of the Week ⭐ The Prodigies started the best QB: Joe Burrow (CIN), 32.88.
- RB of the Week ⭐ The Prodigies started the best RB: Bucky Irving (TB), 24.
- WR of the Week ⭐ Keep Pounding started the best WR: Jaxon Smith-Njigba (SEA), 31.3.
- TE of the Week ⭐ Shartnado started the best TE: Trey McBride (ARI), 27.1.
- K of the Week ⭐ Big Tex's Pillow Biters started the best K: Brandon Aubrey (DAL), 14.
- DEF of the Week ⭐ Coweta Crackas started the best DEF: Seattle Seahawks (SEA), 11.
- QB Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 KeonCounty had the best bench QB: Bo Nix (DEN), 27.28.
- RB Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 The Prodigies had the best bench RB: Tony Pollard (TEN), 36.5.
- WR Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Egbuka Matata had the best bench WR: KC Concepcion (CLE), 23.2.
- TE Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Shartnado had the best bench TE: Colston Loveland (CHI), 19.9.
- K Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Coweta Crackas had the best bench K: Ka'imi Fairbairn (HOU), 11.
- DEF Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Coweta Crackas had the best bench DEF: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (TB), 25.
Standings after Week 7
South Side
| Team | W-L | PF | GB |
|---|---|---|---|
| Shartnado | 5-2 | 951.60 | - |
| KeonCounty | 5-2 | 937.38 | - |
| Alcoholniks | 3-4 | 796.24 | 2 |
| Keep Pounding | 2-5 | 791.48 | 3 |
| Big Tex's Pillow Biters | 2-5 | 789.62 | 3 |
North Side
| Team | W-L | PF | GB |
|---|---|---|---|
| Coweta Crackas | 5-2 | 944.74 | - |
| Egbuka Matata | 4-3 | 894.28 | 1 |
| The Prodigies | 4-3 | 868.66 | 1 |
| Puerto Rican Pounders | 4-3 | 825.50 | 1 |
| 2nd Hand Smoke | 1-6 | 676.44 | 4 |
Week 8 Matchups
- The Prodigies (4-3) vs. Shartnado (5-2)
- Big Tex's Pillow Biters (2-5) vs. Egbuka Matata (4-3)
- KeonCounty (5-2) vs. Coweta Crackas (5-2)
- Alcoholniks (3-4) vs. 2nd Hand Smoke (1-6)
- Keep Pounding (2-5) vs. Puerto Rican Pounders (4-3)
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