Bijan Robinson dismantles Egbuka Matata in 129-122 thriller
Final: Puerto Rican Pounders 129.44, Egbuka Matata 121.84
I knew Coach eddospagheddo had a monster up his sleeve, and Bijan Robinson completely wrecked this game by dropping 35.30 points against a 20.12 projection. Lamar Jackson chipped in 22.44 points, while Luther Burden beat his 10.29 projection with 19.80 points to seal a 129.44-121.84 victory. Coach eddospagheddo survived starting TreVeyon Henderson (3.90 points) over Cooper Kupp (14.60 points), leaving 10.70 bench points unused.
My jaw hit the floor looking at Coach TheBredeBunch, who threw this North Side rivalry clash away on his own bench. Starting Justin Herbert (13.74 points) over Tyler Shough (27.80 points) burned 14.06 points in an outing lost by only 7.60, letting Dalton Kincaid (3.80 points against a 13.23 projection) sink the lineup despite Ja'Marr Chase piling up 24.80 points.
The win moves Puerto Rican Pounders to 2-1 with a one-game winning streak and snaps a four-game series winning streak for Egbuka Matata, who also sit at 2-1 after the loss. Across all Dynasty seasons, Egbuka Matata still leads the series 5-3, but this divisional defeat stripped them of first place. Next week, Coach eddospagheddo faces 2nd Hand Smoke (1-2), while Coach TheBredeBunch battles new division leader Coweta Crackas (2-1).
Jahmyr Gibbs launches Coweta Crackas to the top
Final: Coweta Crackas 122.06, The Prodigies 115.08
I had high expectations for Jahmyr Gibbs, but erupting for 41.40 points against a 23.56 projection is pure domination. Coach bodilyfunction grabbed a 122.06-115.08 win with Derrick Henry adding 21.90 points, overcoming Seattle's defense bombing with 2.00 points and Josh Allen falling short with 17.46 points.
My condolences go out to Coach NolesProdigy, but this was a classic bench blunder. He benched Kalif Raymond and his 21.00 points to start Jalen Coker, who posted just 3.80 points, tossing away 17.20 points when 37.10 total sat on his pine. Justin Jefferson was dealing with an ankle injury in this game and finished with 5.20 points, rendering massive showings from Brock Bowers (27.60 points) and Joe Burrow (25.58 points) useless.
This was the first meeting ever between these two franchises, and it pushed Coweta Crackas to 2-1 with a one-game winning streak while claiming the North Side division lead. The Prodigies fall to 1-2 with a one-game skid. Next week, Coach bodilyfunction takes on Egbuka Matata (2-1) in a battle for first place, while Coach NolesProdigy tries to regroup against Alcoholniks (2-1).
Drake London powers Shartnado past Keep Pounding
Final: Shartnado 135.4, Keep Pounding 123
I love watching a wideout completely dominate a secondary, and Drake London went nuclear with 28.40 points against a 13.47 projection. Coach Erran Yearty secured the 135.40-123.00 victory with Matthew Stafford posting 22.90 points and Kyren Williams delivering 21.80 points, which easily absorbed Jonathan Taylor flopping for 9.20 points.
My sympathy for Coach Hemlok is completely nonexistent after he committed the ultimate fantasy crime. Leaving Juwan Johnson and his 23.30 points on the bench to flex Kenny Gainwell (3.00 points) cost him 20.30 points, wasting Jaxon Smith-Njigba putting up a week-high 35.36 points and Wan'Dale Robinson adding 18.70 points while 35.60 points sat frozen on his bench.
All-time, Shartnado now leads the series 4-3, avenging their previous matchup and pushing their record to 1-2 with a one-game winning streak. Keep Pounding drops to 1-2 on a two-game losing streak, sitting one game back in the South Side where KeonCounty holds the lead. Next up, Coach Erran Yearty plays KeonCounty (2-1), while Coach Hemlok clashes with Big Tex's Pillow Biters (1-2).
George Kittle leads Alcoholniks in rout of Pillow Biters
Final: Alcoholniks 149.32, Big Tex's Pillow Biters 110.78
I was stunned by the absolute beating laid down here as George Kittle destroyed his 12.21 projection by racking up 26.20 points. Coach Nick Claeboe cruised to the high score of the week in a 149.32-110.78 blowout, getting 21.90 points from Jeremiyah Love and 21.00 from Matthew Golden, totally masking Jalen Hurts scraping together only 12.62 points.
My evaluation of Coach Billy Hayes is grim after this complete no-show. Favored by 10.74, his squad became the biggest bust of the week as Omarion Hampton produced a miserable 5.60 points against a 14.14 projection and Philadelphia's defense provided a single point. Strong efforts from Trevor Lawrence (22.78 points) and Tee Higgins (21.00 points) were completely erased, with Jordan Addison's 20.00 points wasted on the bench.
Big Tex's Pillow Biters still lead the series 2-1 all-time, but this 38.54-point beatdown gave Coach Nick Claeboe revenge and a two-game winning streak at 2-1. Coach Billy Hayes falls to 1-2 on a one-game slide at the bottom of the South Side, where KeonCounty stayed in front. Next week, Coach Nick Claeboe faces The Prodigies (1-2), while Coach Billy Hayes matches up with Keep Pounding (1-2).
Brock Purdy ignites 2nd Hand Smoke over KeonCounty
Final: 2nd Hand Smoke 140.48, KeonCounty 113.68
I did not see this aerial clinic coming, but Brock Purdy was the top quarterback in fantasy this week, piling up 35.28 points against a 23.07 projection. Coach CallsignRacehorse rode that explosion alongside Garrett Wilson (26.70 points) and Christian Watson (22.60 points) to a comfortable 140.48-113.68 win, despite Tetairoa McMillan crashing down to 3.70 points.
My advice to Coach callen828 is to never play a volume merchant without looking at the floor, because De'Von Achane completely ruined this lineup with 1.70 points against a 16.38 projection. That goose-egg-adjacent showing, paired with Jake Elliott's 1.00 point, ruined a week where the Las Vegas defense scored 16.00 points and Kenneth Walker ran for 21.30 points. Sitting Bhayshul Tuten (17.00 points) cost KeonCounty 15.30 points, while 27.86 points rotted on the bench.
The win improves 2nd Hand Smoke to 1-2 with a one-game winning streak and extends their all-time series lead over KeonCounty to 3-1 with two straight wins. KeonCounty falls to 2-1 with a one-game skid, though they maintain first place in the South Side. Next week, Coach CallsignRacehorse plays Puerto Rican Pounders (2-1), while Coach callen828 meets Shartnado (1-2).
Clean up your lineups and stop donating points on the bench, because I will be right back here next week to expose your terrible decisions.
Weekly Awards
- Best Manager 🔥 Coweta Crackas set a lineup worth 98% of its perfect possible lineup (125.06).
- Worst Manager 🤔 The Prodigies set the worst lineup, only 76% of its perfect possible lineup (152.18).
- Biggest Blowout 😂 Alcoholniks beat Big Tex's Pillow Biters by 34.8%, 149.32 to 110.78.
- Narrow Victory 😱 Coweta Crackas edged The Prodigies by 6.1%, 122.06 to 115.08.
- Highest Scorer 😎 Alcoholniks, 149.32 points.
- Lowest Scorer 💩 Big Tex's Pillow Biters, 110.78 points.
- Overachiever 🤓 Alcoholniks beat its projection (114.73) by 30% with 149.32.
- Below Expectation 💀 Big Tex's Pillow Biters missed its projection (125.47) by 12% with 110.78.
- QB of the Week ⭐ 2nd Hand Smoke started the best QB: Brock Purdy (SF), 35.28.
- RB of the Week ⭐ Coweta Crackas started the best RB: Jahmyr Gibbs (DET), 41.4.
- WR of the Week ⭐ Keep Pounding started the best WR: Jaxon Smith-Njigba (SEA), 35.36.
- TE of the Week ⭐ The Prodigies started the best TE: Brock Bowers (LV), 27.6.
- K of the Week ⭐ The Prodigies started the best K: Spencer Shrader (IND), 17.
- DEF of the Week ⭐ KeonCounty started the best DEF: Las Vegas Raiders (LV), 16.
- QB Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Egbuka Matata had the best bench QB: Tyler Shough (NO), 27.8.
- RB Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 KeonCounty had the best bench RB: Bhayshul Tuten (JAX), 17.
- WR Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 2nd Hand Smoke had the best bench WR: Michael Wilson (ARI), 25.9.
- TE Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 2nd Hand Smoke had the best bench TE: Harold Fannin (CLE), 24.1.
- K Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 2nd Hand Smoke had the best bench K: Cameron Dicker (LAC), 10.
- DEF Benchwarmer of the Week 👀 Keep Pounding had the best bench DEF: Minnesota Vikings (MIN), 17.
Standings after Week 3
South Side
| Team | W-L | PF | GB |
|---|---|---|---|
| KeonCounty | 2-1 | 391.32 | - |
| Alcoholniks | 2-1 | 387.70 | - |
| Keep Pounding | 1-2 | 401.82 | 1 |
| Shartnado | 1-2 | 370.90 | 1 |
| Big Tex's Pillow Biters | 1-2 | 324.56 | 1 |
North Side
| Team | W-L | PF | GB |
|---|---|---|---|
| Coweta Crackas | 2-1 | 402.84 | - |
| Egbuka Matata | 2-1 | 391.28 | - |
| Puerto Rican Pounders | 2-1 | 365.30 | - |
| The Prodigies | 1-2 | 346.64 | 1 |
| 2nd Hand Smoke | 1-2 | 341.90 | 1 |
Week 4 Matchups
- Shartnado (1-2) vs. KeonCounty (2-1) (division game)
- Big Tex's Pillow Biters (1-2) vs. Keep Pounding (1-2) (division game)
- The Prodigies (1-2) vs. Alcoholniks (2-1)
- Puerto Rican Pounders (2-1) vs. 2nd Hand Smoke (1-2) (division game)
- Egbuka Matata (2-1) vs. Coweta Crackas (2-1) (first-place showdown)
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